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‘A Border Wall for Your Face’
On Friday, President Trump said the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention urged Americans to wear masks outside of their homes, simultaneously suggesting he would not be doing so himself.
“Now Louisiana’s governor has ordered a statewide shutdown, banning gatherings of 10 or more people, but one pastor at a church near Baton Rouge held services yesterday, attracting hundreds of worshipers, many arriving in 26 buses sent to pick them up. That is just irresponsible. Remember Jesus’s words: ‘I was naked and you clothed me. I was sick and you put me on a crowded bus? Are you crazy? I’m contagious!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Now, when they got off their plague buses, the pastor told the congregation they had ‘Nothing to fear but fear itself.’ Sorry, pastor, these days fear is like third on the list, right after coronavirus and running out of toilet paper.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“OK, people, just because Jesus is on your side doesn’t mean you can’t get sick. Don’t forget: Jesus was on Jesus’s side and he died, O.K.? Yeah, he came back, but that was like a one-time thing. I think it’s like Mario Brothers lives — maybe he’s got two left.” — TREVOR NOAH
“And you know it is funny how these same people say Jesus will protect them from coronavirus, are the same people stocking up on guns. I don’t get it. Won’t the blood of Jesus protect you from an intruder? [imitating gun owner] ‘Nah, I’m going with buckshot with this one. He needs Jesus more than me.” — TREVOR NOAH
The Bits Worth Watching
An animated version of Malcolm Gladwell made an appearance on Monday night’s “Desus & Mero” where he made the case for nice New Yorkers.
What We’re Excited About on Tuesday Night
Senator Kamala Harris will virtually pop by “Late Night with Seth Meyers” on Tuesday night.
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